One in...

So they came out today.  The new autism numbers from the CDC.  They are already outdated.  Am I scared of those numbers?  No. Not the numbers.  Do I feel like Autism is an epidemic?  No.  Do I feel like there needs to be a cure for autism?  Nuh-unh.  For if we cure autism, we simultaneously rid the world of some amazing minds.  Amazing people.  Amazing experiences. Amazing opportunity for growth.  If we were all NT, if there were no people with downs syndrome, no people with physical differences, what a boring world this would be.

What I wish the CDC would focus their money on instead of promoting the idea of an epidemic, is spend time with Autistic children, Autistic adults, parents of Autistics.  Find out how to best serve the needs of this community.  My son won't stop having autism when he turns 18.  Find out what this community needs.  Find out what the schools need in order to better serve our children and all special needs children.  Find out what the people who service adults with autism truly need. Find those things.  Make those things a priority.

My week so far...

Fist a note, I'm typing this on the iPad, so if it's wonky know that it's not my fault.  I really do have fairly good grammar skills and spelling.  No I don't have good spelling; that's why we have spellcheck and autocorrect, right?

So I've been really angry this week.  Ranging in everything from anti-vaxers using autism as a reason for not vaccinating their kids to the mommy wars I've seen started by moms of gifted kids on a blogger who wrote all kids are gifted.  Basically, no one was going to be able to say anything that wasn't going to piss me off.  My thoughts on vaccines are it's an individual choice and there are several valid reasons not to vaccinate without using autism as one of them.  What that says to moms like me is "I would rather my child die from polio or another terrible, preventable disease than be like your child."  I'm not gonna lie, that hurts.  

Now, the mommy wars. Can we stop?  For one damn minute and be kind to one another?  A mom whose kid didn't get the letter saying she qualified for gt, wrote a blog about how all kids are gifted and all kids are talented.  The response from moms of intellectually gifted kids was insane and bordered on bullying.  As a mom, it made me so mad to see these "gifted" parents act like children.  I have two "gifted" children, but I understood what this mom was saying.  There are all kinds of giftedness and all kinds of talent.  These moms in an attempt to explain why gifted programs are necessary for our intellectually gifted kids acted pretentious and in my opinion did more harm than good.  They even began saying gifted is equal to not bring neurotypical.  Let me tell you, there IS a difference.  I have one twice exceptional (gifted plus Aspergers) and one neurotypical gifted child.  They are vastly different scenarios.   I had a moment where I was tempted to call them out, but thought better of it.  Because isn't that exactly what was making me mad?

Then, it happened.  Last night I watched Parenthood for the first time in a long time.  Max Burkholder's character Max has Aspergers.  On last night's episode, Max was going on an overnight field trip and didn't want  his mom, played by Monica Potter, to chaperone.  Despite her hesitation, she let him go without her.  Because after all isn't it huge that a kiddo wants to grow up, wants to do it alone?  That's progress and we have to let our kids find their wings.  Then it happened.  THE phone call.  You have to come get him.  I wasn't expecting what happened next.  I totally should have.  This isn't the first time I've watched this show.  Doesn't it exploit my emotions every darn time?  The scene was my worst nightmare while also being one of my greatest hopes.  Max tells his parents the vile things the kids have done and breaks down.  It was beautiful.  It was raw. It was perfect.  I know my kid will continue to be an easy target for kids who are trying to figure out who they want to be in this world.  So, when the bullies strike (notice I don't say IF), I hope my son feels safe enough to say me the things Max said to his mom.  I hope that I have the courage to take off my seatbelt, crawl into the backseat and hug him anyway.  

I think that scene hit at what my real issue has been all week.  Fear. Frustration.  Wanting.

Xoxoxo

K

89 things I learned from my Stocky

Today would have been my grandfather Stocky's 90th birthday.  I keep thinking about all the valuable things I learned from him, and some of the things I'm still trying to learn.

1. I learned what it means to be loved unconditionally.
2.  I learned that I only ever needed one spanking.
3.  I learned that by not speaking to him for several days, I only ever got one spanking from him.
4.  Milkshakes are okay at 10 p.m. as long as they are bought by Stocky.
5.  Old lawn mowers make awesome go carts.
6.  Little girls can make step stools too.
7.  Tree house grand openings are all the sweeter when a fried shrimp dinner is served in them.
8.  I often think my kids have strong Chisolm genes (they do), but when we perused photos of Stocky and his brother Lightning, I'll be darned if it wasn't like looking at a picture of Joe and Chet.
9.  Pound cake is best made on the kitchen floor.
10.  So are dinner rolls.
11.  Both are completely acceptable breakfast foods.
12.  When your grandfather pulls out a hundred dollar bill on vacation, you will be impressed.
13.  Sometimes, it's good not to have a plan on vacation.
14.  Sometimes, you stay in a dive because you don't have a plan on vacation.
15.  You should always leave on vacation at midnight so you can get through the Texas panhandle in the dark.
16.  Easter dresses are even more beautiful when Stocky buys them for you.
17.  The Gingham Dog and Calico Cat is not a sweet poem.
18.  Foot rubs can cure a little kids migraine.
19. Sometimes, the nicknames you are given define you.  Take for instance "Stocky."  That wasn't his given name.  But it was who he was.  I was pretty old when I realized neither of my grandparents names were their "real" ones.
20.  Sometimes, the nicknames you give define how someone sees you.  Bell.  For my whole life, I heard, "hello, Bell!"  I can still hear it.  I miss it.  I probably always will.
21.  We should do things not because it is what is expected of us, but because it's what is right for us.
22.  Gimme caps are cool.
23.  Fur fedoras with ear flaps are cool.
24.  Strawn, Texas is kinda neat.
25.  Value education.  Even if you don't have a degree from a college or university, never stop having a thirst for knowledge.
26.  When I was about seven, I learned my grandfather could seriously jump rope.  Like, he was really, really good at it.
27.  Boxing might not be the best sport when you are five foot something or another, but it makes you a badass.
28.  Leather helmets while playing football were crazy.
29.  Sometimes staying married means that neither of you wants the kids. ;-)
30.  Marriage is work.
31.  You don't have to raise your voice to get your point across.
32.  Value your family.
33.  If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything.
34.  Sometimes, silence doesn't mean you don't have anything nice to say other than it's nice to be quiet with you.
35. Humming and whistling at 5:00 in the morning really do make you happier.
36.  When you visit someone for a week, it's really awesome when you cook supper for them and clean their house.
37.  It's special when you travel 250 miles to watch your grandkids track meet or basketball game or one act play.
38.  You should always hold hands with your spouse.
39.  Sometimes, your grandparents house becomes home.
40.  History can be interesting.
41.  Life ain't fair.
42.  Anything that ugly ought to hurt.
43.  If you don't know you're short, you aren't.
44.  I am tiny but tough.
45.  Butterfly kisses stop snoring.
46.  Sometimes you are punished when you shouldn't be and sometimes you aren't punished when you should be.
47.  It's never okay to use the "N word"
48.  Sometimes, men are the better cooks and that's great!
49.  Pancakes are a great breakfast.
50.  Pancakes are an even better supper.
51.  Sandwiches made on homemade dinner rolls taste better.
52.  Little cans of orange juice and little bottles of sprite make vacation fun.
53.  Listen more, talk less.
54.  Wicked senses of humor are where it's at!
55.  Take care of what's inside your car, you never know when Stocky's going to take it for an oil change.
56.  Love someone when they are at their most unlovable.
57.  Take care of your spouse when  they need you.
58.  Eating a meal together is of utmost importance.
59.  I will endure a John Wayne movie because he liked them.
60.  Watching Golden Girls with your grandparents will make you want to watch it forever.
61.  The Cosby Show is still funny when you can't remember who is sitting next to you.
62.  Dominos is not a game to be taken lightly.
63.  5 card draw will not be won unless you win it legitimately.
64.  Solitaire is not boring.
65.  Wind suits are cute on old men.
66.  So are shorts with black socks and sandals.
67.  It's great when men help with housework.
68.  I might have to trim my husband's toenails when he gets old.
69.  Grandkids are special.
70.  Great-grandkids are even more special.
71.  Your spouses family IS your family.
72.  Mount Rushmore isn't that impressive at 12.
73.  I want to visit Washington D.C.
74.  My grandfather was one of the smartest men I'd ever known.
75.  God loves you and believes in you.
76.  An old man loosing his memory will still walk down a steep hill to watch his great-grandsons fish.
77.  Great-grandsons will make you nervous.
78.  Love the life you have.
79.  Getting old means you can be a little eccentric.
80.  I want to rust out not wear out.

These last few are hard for me...

81.  Alzheimer's and dementia are unfair.
82.  Moments of clarity are a blessing and a curse.
83.  I will always look for Brian...even when he's right here.
84.  I want to maintain my dignity until my dying day.
84.  I want to remember my loved ones until my dying day.
85.  I want to look back on my life and be proud of the choices I made.
86.  I want my kids to be with me when I leave this world.
87.  I want my husband to love me the way my Stocky loved my Teda.
88.  My life was better because I had Stocky in it.
89.  This world would be a better place if everyone had a Stocky in their life.

And a bonus:
90.  My most cherished memory of his final year...I went to visit him at the "home" before taking my children for what I knew would be their final goodbyes.  I knew I had to grasp this before I took the children to visit him.  He was unresponsive and sleeping.  I stayed for a bit with Teda.  He never acknowledge either of us.  He wouldn't take his medicine or even a drink.  He wouldn't open his eyes.  Later when I went to pick up Teda with the boys, we sat and visited and talked to him.  When the boys went to give them his hugs and kisses, goodbyes and I love yous...he turned his head, opened his eyes and smiled.

Parenting is hard-even for parents of nt kids

So, I saw a FB meme that rubbed me the wrong way.  It was an astounded face and the caption was something  like, "the face I make when my friends who have nt kids say parenting is hard."  You know what.  It is hard.  It's hard to be a parent.  If we belittle our friends who have nt children, are we giving them support and empathy that we desire?

Raising decent human beings is hard.  Parents of kids on the spectrum, we don't have an exclusive on worry and sleepless nights.  We don't have an exclusive on how are we going to afford x, y, or z.  We don't have an exclusive on kids having meltdowns or tantrums in public.  We don't have an exclusive on feeling judged.  We don't have an exclusive on extreme picky eaters, kids who don't want their hair cut, kids who are hyper active.  We don't have an exclusive on kids being social outcasts or being bullied.  In fact, I recently witnessed some NT third graders being quite crappy to one another.   We don't have exclusives on any of it.

By saying parenting a NT child is easier by comparison does exactly what we don't want.  It marginalizes our kids.  It says to the world, they are harder to love, they are less than.  They aren't. 

Being a grown up is hard. Being a parent is hard. Period. By saying my life is harder than yours because my kid has autism is doing more harm than good for the autism community.  My life is different than yours.  Sure.  But my life is different than yours for more reasons than autism.  It doesn't make it harder, it makes it my life.  My dad sent me this meme, and I think it speaks volumes.

Love one another. Support one another.

Xoxoxo 

K

Feeling blah

So you know those times when you probably (okay definitely) shouldn't be allowed to interact with other human beings because exactly nothing they do or say is going to be right?  No?!? You don't have those moments? Or days? Or weeks?  Be honest.  Sure you do.  That's the space I'm in right now.

Everyone and everything is up under my skin.  I feel like shouting.  Well, maybe I  am shouting. A lot. Then, the guilt sets in.  Dad gum.  I am the poster child for Imperfection this week.  

I need a vacation.  From my mood.  None of the normal tricks are working either.  Time to myself.  I miss my kids.  Time with my kids. In my head I'm saying make me a bird so I can fly far, far away."

I'm sure there are a lot of issues at play here.  Sadness, worry, desire for chocolate, guilt, need to get a lot of stuff done...to the point that I do none of it because that's way easier than starting any one of the number of projects that need doing.

Yesterday, I had a thought.  What if I started a nonprofit group.  And with the money we raise, we can send fellow imperfects on a retreat together.  That's doing good works, right?!?  It would totally have to be at a super 8 motel or something.  Maybe we could get it close to the airport and we could go to look at all the fancy locals we could pick from.  Then, we'd head back to the super 8, find someplace fancy like Chilis and have cocktails and horsdeveurs.  

But then I think.  Ugh.  That would just mean packing a bag an then the dreaded unpacking of said bag when the retreat was over.  Plus, I'd miss my kids that make me crazy.  

I guess I'll settle for coffee. And time. Time to let this mood pass.  We did "gain" and hour which you totally know my internal clock adjusted to right away. 

Have a good day, y'all.  Thanks for letting me get that randomness out!

Parent teacher conferences

So, the best way to have a good parent teacher conference is to have a good parent teacher relationship with communication that happens not only at the end of the six weeks but as issues arise and sometimes just to say, "hey, I wanted to tell you he's having a great week."  

This years parent teacher conference was so awesome.  I have to say, I may bribe, plead, beg, coerce these two to follow big brudder all the way through high school and beyond.  There were no surprisess. There was no principal waiting for me as I walked in.  It was un enventful.  Wow!  I didn't hear, " Joseph has told several people (when he was upset and feeling out of control), 'I'm going to tell on you to my mom and she's going to call the government.'  These kinds of threats make me uncomfortable."  Last years gold medal winner comment.  So much to say about that.  A. It's too late now to punish him because you waiting god knows how long to tell me. B. Remember how I told you at the very beginning the gap between emotional age and intellectual age.  That "threat" demonstrates that perfectly.  Stomping saying I'm going to tell ( 3 y.o. Emotionally ) my moms going to call the government (higher intellectual reasoning).  C.  That's just kind of awesome.  D. You're going to let an (at the time)  8 year old hurt your feelings?  Sheesh.  

Anyway, that didn't happen.  You know what did happen a little vindication.  One of the teachers said, "I'll be honest, when I saw his name in the roster, I was scared.  Last year every time I went down the hallway, he was having a major issue.  This year, the teachers stop and ask 'how's Big Brudder doing?'  I tell them great. Because he is."  

So, we had to live through a bad year to get to this awesome point.  Some I'm sure is maturity, being familiar with the school.  More than that though, I believe in my heart of hearts it is this years match.  It works. He has two strong, in control teachers.  He feels that an doesn't feel the need to control everything.  While they are strong and in control, they are not rigid in their thinking.  If they see something is not working, they try to find a solution that works for everyone. Not just Big Brudder, not just them, not just the other students everyone .  I am beyond greatfull for this year.  We needed this year to happen.  I needed this year to happen.  Is he perfect?  No!  Will every day be perfect? Nuh- uh.  But more often than not, it's working, so it's a win!

The NT wee one it turns out is super smart too.  His greatest challenge is that he hates handwriting.  It's hard for him and he doesn't like doing it. So, he does the bare minimum.  Gotta work on that. :-). He has lots of friends and talks in class but stops with reminders.  (Did I ever tell you I almost always had an 'N' in conduct because I "talked excessively."  I guess he comes by it honestly.  

Right now, I'm basking in the glow of my smarty pants kids who are just awesome!

Seven and nine...

So another birthday for my boys has come and gone.  They are seven and nine.  How in the world has that happened at such warp speed?!?

The wee one was sick all week.  In a mother of the year moment, I fussed him up one side and down the other on Monday for being difficult getting ready for soccer.  Turns out he had strep with NO fever. He still had the best birthday eber.  

Big brudder had such a good day on Friday dispite the fact that it was a. Picture day b. Homecoming and c. Come And Take It.  I've never been so glad to not be a teacher as I was on Friday. You could feel the excitement vibrating in the walls of big brudders school.  

Both boys have such amazing teachers who just help them soar.  For the first time in a long time, it feels safe to drop big brudder off.  I'm not on edge about why the school might call.

We've had a guest in the house.  Mimi ( my mom) came for a visit.  The wee one has had five or so sick days to make up for and had been acting like a rabid Tasmanian devil with a caffeine addiction.  I think that's a pretty accurate description of both his body and the speed with which his mouth has been moving.  Big brudder agreed to something, some sort of deal the wee one struck with him, without hearing the finer points because oh my god he's spouting so much non essential information with bits of important thrown in the middle.  I hope there isn't a test later.  Wait, there's always a test later.

The boys officially have more money in their pockets than I do in the bank.  Talk about taking it in.  I was proud no one put up a big fight to put the cash in the bank.  They each had to budget and pick something at the happiest place on earth (target) and save the rest of their gift cards for when the book fair comes to town...oh and for the glorious day that Minecraft comes out for PS3.  I'm not buying that.  

Big brudder is making great strides in his social skills.  Maybe not great strides, but strides none the less.  He's trying to develop friendships and that's hard for him.  I would like to see him try to be friends with the kids who talk to him not the ones who ignore him.  He's like my old cat Sylvester that way.  The more you pushed him off and away, the more determined he became that you would love him.  

The wee one is still his brudders biggest champion and loves him more than anyone else in the planet.  He thinks he's awesome, and he's right.  I think the wee one is pretty awesome too even in rabid Tasmanian devil mode.

I can't wait for school pictures to come back. I wonder if the wee ones neck is stretched and eyebrows raised like last year?

On a personal note, I'm excited that my Perfect Parents Need Not Apply Facebook page is slowly growing.  It feels good to know that I might make a small difference to someone out there.  

I hope you all have a fantastic day.  I think we might head out to the last day of the Come And Take It.  Wish me luck, although our first cold front has come in and it's supposed to be a chilly 83 degrees today. 

Xoxoxo