You know what they say about opinions...

You know that old saying about opinions...well, my full moon brain is in full effect and these are the opinions I've been thinking about in the wee am hours.

The whole "would you change your child" thing.  Disclaimer: I come from the perspective of a mom to a profoundly gifted, child with Aspergers as well as a cleft lip and palate. Just because my child is on the "high functioning" end of the spectrum does not mean that he does not face challenges and obstacles that often far exceed what I feel like he can handle.  Looking back to when Big Brudder was two, my answer probably would have been different.  That was a time when he wouldn't eat...for days...I mean days at a time.  His meltdowns were hours if not the whole day long.  But you know, if I'd had a magic pill and changed him, changed his neurology at that very early point in his development, he wouldn't have some of the best coping skills out there.  Due to his cleft lip and palate, my son has had countless surgeries.  Several summers ago, he had a hole drilled into his hip where they took bone marrow and injected it into his gum-line.  You know what that kid did?  He rocked his bone graft like a champ.  This kid, he is a survivor. He is a champion of champions.  Does he still perveserate on things?  Oh, the perveseration that goes on in this house.  Between me googling sofas and him asking me every three minutes about something he's focused on, it's a miracle anything really happens around here. Does he still stimm?  Like crazy, but he's learning when and where it's acceptable to do so.  Does he still meltdown?  Honestly, not really. On the very rare occasion, but he has learned to cope and use the skills he's been taught to work his way through. This kid avoids eye contact like the plague, but you know what he taught himself to do when he was three or four years old?  Look at people's noses so that he was meeting the social expectation of listening.  Two years ago when I was speaking with his principal about an issue that was happening at school, I had a realization.  I understood, in that moment, that through the struggle of an awful school year, he had grown by leaps and bounds.  This kid is ready for whatever life throws at him.  He can handle more than most grownups I know.  Does that mean he has friends? Not a real one.  He's got a few that tolerate him. Maybe, I would change that for him.  I would make kids see him.  See past the squawks, see past the awkward gate, see past the inability to hold a real conversation. But, ultimately, he's got this. He's got whatever it is that life throws at him. No changing him.  Besides, he is where the unstoppable force and the immovable object meet.  No changing him even if I wanted to.

I've also been thinking about intent.  So many people get so angry and frustrated (me too) by small things people say or do "to us."  Lately, I've been thinking about the intent behind those actions.  Surely, you've been given parenting advice.  One of my faves was "He'll eat when he's hungry." Yeah, no he won't.  That made me so, SO, SO mad.  But, should it have?  If I had had the clarity to take a step back from those situations, I could have asked myself, "Does this person mean me or my child harm by saying this?"  Same goes for the "you can hardly tell he had a cleft."  That is said meaning well.  And, it means that my kid is gorgeous.  Because he is. Along those same lines, a friend of mine blogged the other day (I had also written a FB post about this, so I'm totally not stealing her thunder, but you can go read her blog about it HERE  ) is all the "what not to say" open letter type stuff.  I get that when people say things, it can be taken a different way than they mean, but let's be honest.  If you stop. Really, truly stop and look at the intent behind those words, shouldn't you a. be thankful someone said anything rather than ignore whatever situation you are in?   b. be thankful that didn't say eff you, or if they did be thankful they said what they truly meant? I can keep that in mind, unless of course you question my kid's dx.  Then, we've got trouble and I might take off my earrings and flip flops. ;-)

Autism and vaccines:  Find my thoughts on that click here but not if language offends.

Finally on the autism communities' us vs. them vs. them rife:  stop it.  Stop it now.  Our walk is our walk, your walk is your walk, their walk is their walk.  Parenting is hard, typical, ASD, HFA, severe autism and a myriad of other stuffs. No one has the the exclusive on hard. Get over it.

So, now you know my opinions on everything almost under the sun.  If you've waded through this, you deserve a treat.  Go get you some chocolate or coffee or something. 

xoxox
k

Cleaning

So, I've been doing a little cleaning.  Well, a LOT of cleaning.  In the spirit of trying to get my house a little less disgusting, I also cleaned out my old computer files and came across some real gems.  I'm not even being sarcastic there.  In the tab that says things I've been hoarding, there are some great resources.  There are two versions of a food diary and a calorie index that we used when we were tracking big brudders weight and moods for food aversions.  Ironically, we thought the aversions had to do with his cleft lip and palate. Nope. Anyway, these paved the way for some good food chaining and helped us figure a few things out.  I hope they help y'all too.

xoxoxo
K

20 things I was fixin' to do before school let out...

Cr@p in a basket.  It's the last day of school.  Here's 20 things I was fixin' to do:

1.  Get my ladies check up.

2. Go to the dentist.

3.  Color my hair.

4.  Fold and hang all the laundry on the "guest bed"  aka folding table or as hubs calls it, the giver of socks.

5.  Clean closets.

6.  Clean the bathroom.

7.  Blog more.

8.  Finish my children's' book.

9.  Find an agent for said children's book.

10.  Have lunch with my friends.

11.  Mop my floors.

12.  Clean off the coffee table.

13.  Go furniture shopping.

14.  Stock up on sunscreen.

15.  Stock up on snacks.

16.  Get our summer lessons ready.

17.  Loose thirty pounds.

18.  Shave my legs.

19.  Organize my pantry.

20.  Read a book.

I'll totally get right on that checklist on August 25th.

I've totally got 2nd and 4th graders in my house.  Whoa.

One in...

So they came out today.  The new autism numbers from the CDC.  They are already outdated.  Am I scared of those numbers?  No. Not the numbers.  Do I feel like Autism is an epidemic?  No.  Do I feel like there needs to be a cure for autism?  Nuh-unh.  For if we cure autism, we simultaneously rid the world of some amazing minds.  Amazing people.  Amazing experiences. Amazing opportunity for growth.  If we were all NT, if there were no people with downs syndrome, no people with physical differences, what a boring world this would be.

What I wish the CDC would focus their money on instead of promoting the idea of an epidemic, is spend time with Autistic children, Autistic adults, parents of Autistics.  Find out how to best serve the needs of this community.  My son won't stop having autism when he turns 18.  Find out what this community needs.  Find out what the schools need in order to better serve our children and all special needs children.  Find out what the people who service adults with autism truly need. Find those things.  Make those things a priority.

My week so far...

Fist a note, I'm typing this on the iPad, so if it's wonky know that it's not my fault.  I really do have fairly good grammar skills and spelling.  No I don't have good spelling; that's why we have spellcheck and autocorrect, right?

So I've been really angry this week.  Ranging in everything from anti-vaxers using autism as a reason for not vaccinating their kids to the mommy wars I've seen started by moms of gifted kids on a blogger who wrote all kids are gifted.  Basically, no one was going to be able to say anything that wasn't going to piss me off.  My thoughts on vaccines are it's an individual choice and there are several valid reasons not to vaccinate without using autism as one of them.  What that says to moms like me is "I would rather my child die from polio or another terrible, preventable disease than be like your child."  I'm not gonna lie, that hurts.  

Now, the mommy wars. Can we stop?  For one damn minute and be kind to one another?  A mom whose kid didn't get the letter saying she qualified for gt, wrote a blog about how all kids are gifted and all kids are talented.  The response from moms of intellectually gifted kids was insane and bordered on bullying.  As a mom, it made me so mad to see these "gifted" parents act like children.  I have two "gifted" children, but I understood what this mom was saying.  There are all kinds of giftedness and all kinds of talent.  These moms in an attempt to explain why gifted programs are necessary for our intellectually gifted kids acted pretentious and in my opinion did more harm than good.  They even began saying gifted is equal to not bring neurotypical.  Let me tell you, there IS a difference.  I have one twice exceptional (gifted plus Aspergers) and one neurotypical gifted child.  They are vastly different scenarios.   I had a moment where I was tempted to call them out, but thought better of it.  Because isn't that exactly what was making me mad?

Then, it happened.  Last night I watched Parenthood for the first time in a long time.  Max Burkholder's character Max has Aspergers.  On last night's episode, Max was going on an overnight field trip and didn't want  his mom, played by Monica Potter, to chaperone.  Despite her hesitation, she let him go without her.  Because after all isn't it huge that a kiddo wants to grow up, wants to do it alone?  That's progress and we have to let our kids find their wings.  Then it happened.  THE phone call.  You have to come get him.  I wasn't expecting what happened next.  I totally should have.  This isn't the first time I've watched this show.  Doesn't it exploit my emotions every darn time?  The scene was my worst nightmare while also being one of my greatest hopes.  Max tells his parents the vile things the kids have done and breaks down.  It was beautiful.  It was raw. It was perfect.  I know my kid will continue to be an easy target for kids who are trying to figure out who they want to be in this world.  So, when the bullies strike (notice I don't say IF), I hope my son feels safe enough to say me the things Max said to his mom.  I hope that I have the courage to take off my seatbelt, crawl into the backseat and hug him anyway.  

I think that scene hit at what my real issue has been all week.  Fear. Frustration.  Wanting.

Xoxoxo

K

89 things I learned from my Stocky

Today would have been my grandfather Stocky's 90th birthday.  I keep thinking about all the valuable things I learned from him, and some of the things I'm still trying to learn.

1. I learned what it means to be loved unconditionally.
2.  I learned that I only ever needed one spanking.
3.  I learned that by not speaking to him for several days, I only ever got one spanking from him.
4.  Milkshakes are okay at 10 p.m. as long as they are bought by Stocky.
5.  Old lawn mowers make awesome go carts.
6.  Little girls can make step stools too.
7.  Tree house grand openings are all the sweeter when a fried shrimp dinner is served in them.
8.  I often think my kids have strong Chisolm genes (they do), but when we perused photos of Stocky and his brother Lightning, I'll be darned if it wasn't like looking at a picture of Joe and Chet.
9.  Pound cake is best made on the kitchen floor.
10.  So are dinner rolls.
11.  Both are completely acceptable breakfast foods.
12.  When your grandfather pulls out a hundred dollar bill on vacation, you will be impressed.
13.  Sometimes, it's good not to have a plan on vacation.
14.  Sometimes, you stay in a dive because you don't have a plan on vacation.
15.  You should always leave on vacation at midnight so you can get through the Texas panhandle in the dark.
16.  Easter dresses are even more beautiful when Stocky buys them for you.
17.  The Gingham Dog and Calico Cat is not a sweet poem.
18.  Foot rubs can cure a little kids migraine.
19. Sometimes, the nicknames you are given define you.  Take for instance "Stocky."  That wasn't his given name.  But it was who he was.  I was pretty old when I realized neither of my grandparents names were their "real" ones.
20.  Sometimes, the nicknames you give define how someone sees you.  Bell.  For my whole life, I heard, "hello, Bell!"  I can still hear it.  I miss it.  I probably always will.
21.  We should do things not because it is what is expected of us, but because it's what is right for us.
22.  Gimme caps are cool.
23.  Fur fedoras with ear flaps are cool.
24.  Strawn, Texas is kinda neat.
25.  Value education.  Even if you don't have a degree from a college or university, never stop having a thirst for knowledge.
26.  When I was about seven, I learned my grandfather could seriously jump rope.  Like, he was really, really good at it.
27.  Boxing might not be the best sport when you are five foot something or another, but it makes you a badass.
28.  Leather helmets while playing football were crazy.
29.  Sometimes staying married means that neither of you wants the kids. ;-)
30.  Marriage is work.
31.  You don't have to raise your voice to get your point across.
32.  Value your family.
33.  If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything.
34.  Sometimes, silence doesn't mean you don't have anything nice to say other than it's nice to be quiet with you.
35. Humming and whistling at 5:00 in the morning really do make you happier.
36.  When you visit someone for a week, it's really awesome when you cook supper for them and clean their house.
37.  It's special when you travel 250 miles to watch your grandkids track meet or basketball game or one act play.
38.  You should always hold hands with your spouse.
39.  Sometimes, your grandparents house becomes home.
40.  History can be interesting.
41.  Life ain't fair.
42.  Anything that ugly ought to hurt.
43.  If you don't know you're short, you aren't.
44.  I am tiny but tough.
45.  Butterfly kisses stop snoring.
46.  Sometimes you are punished when you shouldn't be and sometimes you aren't punished when you should be.
47.  It's never okay to use the "N word"
48.  Sometimes, men are the better cooks and that's great!
49.  Pancakes are a great breakfast.
50.  Pancakes are an even better supper.
51.  Sandwiches made on homemade dinner rolls taste better.
52.  Little cans of orange juice and little bottles of sprite make vacation fun.
53.  Listen more, talk less.
54.  Wicked senses of humor are where it's at!
55.  Take care of what's inside your car, you never know when Stocky's going to take it for an oil change.
56.  Love someone when they are at their most unlovable.
57.  Take care of your spouse when  they need you.
58.  Eating a meal together is of utmost importance.
59.  I will endure a John Wayne movie because he liked them.
60.  Watching Golden Girls with your grandparents will make you want to watch it forever.
61.  The Cosby Show is still funny when you can't remember who is sitting next to you.
62.  Dominos is not a game to be taken lightly.
63.  5 card draw will not be won unless you win it legitimately.
64.  Solitaire is not boring.
65.  Wind suits are cute on old men.
66.  So are shorts with black socks and sandals.
67.  It's great when men help with housework.
68.  I might have to trim my husband's toenails when he gets old.
69.  Grandkids are special.
70.  Great-grandkids are even more special.
71.  Your spouses family IS your family.
72.  Mount Rushmore isn't that impressive at 12.
73.  I want to visit Washington D.C.
74.  My grandfather was one of the smartest men I'd ever known.
75.  God loves you and believes in you.
76.  An old man loosing his memory will still walk down a steep hill to watch his great-grandsons fish.
77.  Great-grandsons will make you nervous.
78.  Love the life you have.
79.  Getting old means you can be a little eccentric.
80.  I want to rust out not wear out.

These last few are hard for me...

81.  Alzheimer's and dementia are unfair.
82.  Moments of clarity are a blessing and a curse.
83.  I will always look for Brian...even when he's right here.
84.  I want to maintain my dignity until my dying day.
84.  I want to remember my loved ones until my dying day.
85.  I want to look back on my life and be proud of the choices I made.
86.  I want my kids to be with me when I leave this world.
87.  I want my husband to love me the way my Stocky loved my Teda.
88.  My life was better because I had Stocky in it.
89.  This world would be a better place if everyone had a Stocky in their life.

And a bonus:
90.  My most cherished memory of his final year...I went to visit him at the "home" before taking my children for what I knew would be their final goodbyes.  I knew I had to grasp this before I took the children to visit him.  He was unresponsive and sleeping.  I stayed for a bit with Teda.  He never acknowledge either of us.  He wouldn't take his medicine or even a drink.  He wouldn't open his eyes.  Later when I went to pick up Teda with the boys, we sat and visited and talked to him.  When the boys went to give them his hugs and kisses, goodbyes and I love yous...he turned his head, opened his eyes and smiled.

Parenting is hard-even for parents of nt kids

So, I saw a FB meme that rubbed me the wrong way.  It was an astounded face and the caption was something  like, "the face I make when my friends who have nt kids say parenting is hard."  You know what.  It is hard.  It's hard to be a parent.  If we belittle our friends who have nt children, are we giving them support and empathy that we desire?

Raising decent human beings is hard.  Parents of kids on the spectrum, we don't have an exclusive on worry and sleepless nights.  We don't have an exclusive on how are we going to afford x, y, or z.  We don't have an exclusive on kids having meltdowns or tantrums in public.  We don't have an exclusive on feeling judged.  We don't have an exclusive on extreme picky eaters, kids who don't want their hair cut, kids who are hyper active.  We don't have an exclusive on kids being social outcasts or being bullied.  In fact, I recently witnessed some NT third graders being quite crappy to one another.   We don't have exclusives on any of it.

By saying parenting a NT child is easier by comparison does exactly what we don't want.  It marginalizes our kids.  It says to the world, they are harder to love, they are less than.  They aren't. 

Being a grown up is hard. Being a parent is hard. Period. By saying my life is harder than yours because my kid has autism is doing more harm than good for the autism community.  My life is different than yours.  Sure.  But my life is different than yours for more reasons than autism.  It doesn't make it harder, it makes it my life.  My dad sent me this meme, and I think it speaks volumes.

Love one another. Support one another.

Xoxoxo 

K